Subject: (parody?) These are a few of my favorite Klingons (long)
From rec.arts.startrek Wed Jul 11 14:19:20 1990
From: siegel@max.physics.sunysb.edu (Warren Siegel)
Date: 9 Jul 90 15:07:06 GMT
These are a few of my favorite episodes of Star Trek, synopsized
to the best of my memory.
(There may be spoilers, but only if you haven't seen every episode of
Star Trek ever made, in which case, shame on you!)
__________________________________________________________
THE MAN TRAP
Shortly after McCoy's ex-girl-friend comes on board, a sudden rash of
terminal hickeys breaks out. She gets caught in the act in Kirk's
bedroom.
CHARLIE X
A strange teenager irritates everybody, so the Captain makes him an
Acting Ensign.
WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD
Kirk kills his best friend, destroying all evidence that his middle initial
is not really "T".
THE MAKING TIME
Kirk makes love to the Enterprise, with disastrous results. Lwaxana
confesses her love for Spock, who goes running to his mommy.
THE ENEMY WITHIN
No guest stars, so Kirk gets frustated and beats himself up.
MUDDY WOMEN
The Enterprise takes on a troop of traveling mud-wrestlers.
All the crewmen, including Kirk, immediately become infatuated, so
Uhura dumps them all on an ice planet to cool them off.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?
Kirk finally solves his problem of lust for the Enterprise by having a
scientist build him a new ship in the shape of a woman. Unfortunately,
it falls in love with the food dispenser, so he phasers them both.
MIRI, MIRI
The Enterprise discovers an Earth-like planet with no adults where
everybody gets a certain fatal disease as soon as they reach puberty,
so Kirk risks violating the Prime Directive by giving them condoms.
DAGGER OF THE MIND
The director of an insane asylum invents an electronic aphrodisiac and
tries it out on Kirk (as if he needed one).
THE CARBONATE MANEUVER
Kirk fakes out a superior intelligence, or so the Captain's Log says.
THE MENAGERIE
Spock gets out of line again, so Kirk court martials him. Unfortunately,
one of the judges turns out to be one of Spock's holograms, so he gets
out of it. In a one-hour flashback, Spock reminisces about the good old
days when he used to smile and yell like the best of them.
THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING
Don King arranges a fight between Kirk and Worf, but the outcome is so
obvious that the crew skips it to attend Picard's Shakespeare recital.
Meanwhile, Kirk falls in love with a mass murderer, but her father
disapproves of Kirk, so Kirk has her committed.
BALANCE OF ERRORS
Spock's father decides to get even with his son by taking over a
Romulan warbird and trashing the Enterprise. The Romulans then blow
themselves up to teach the Federation the meaning of honor.
SHORE ENOUGH
Kirk beats up/makes love to people from his past.
(McCoy: "I'm dead, Jim!")
THE GALILEO SEVEN-ELEVEN
Spock takes the shuttlecraft to make a quick stop at a local planet to
get a Slurpie, but the natives refuse to accept his Vulcan Express card.
THE SQUARE OF GOTHOS
The crew of the Enterprise is trapped by a super-intelligent being who
plays pranks on them, but it turns out to be just Wesley.
ARENA
Kirk meets a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with a bad attitude. When he
discovers he can't beat him up, he shoots him.
TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY
The Enterprise goes back in time again to visit the present, which is
their past, but which is also our past, since this is a very old episode.
Eventually they return to the future, which is their present, but is
really their future, too, since an hour has passed since we started
watching.
COURT MARTIAL
Kirk gets caught, so he edits the tapes.
THE RETURN OF THE ACORNS
Kirk defeats a superior computer by finding a bug in its program that
had gone unnoticed for hundreds of years. As with all superior
computers, as soon as its program enters an infinite loop, it
immediately starts smoking and shooting off sparks until it explodes.
(That's what happens when you buy a computer from General Motors.)
SPACE SPEED
Kirk gets in a fight with a 300-year-old man, tearing Kirk's tunic.
This reveals that he has been getting hair transplants from his chest,
so he exiles him to Fantasy Island.
A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON
Kirk finds a planet with no System Manager, where the users
constantly play computer games. He again violates the Prime Directive
by doing a reboot.
FLIP SIDE OF PARADISE
Spock gets the girl, so Kirk gets jealous and starts a fight. Spock beats
him up, but by then he's no longer in the mood, so they leave the planet.
THE DEVIL IN THE DARK
When Kirk wakes up, he finds himself in bed with a silicon-based life
form, plus a lot of eggs.
ERRAND OF MERCY
Kirk tries to save a planet from the Klingons, but they decide they'd
rather have the Klingons.
THE ALTERNATIVE FACTOR
In this episode we learn that not only does antimatter have opposite
physical properties, but opposite personality, too. (Well, it's totally
consistent with the concept of warp drive.)
SITTING ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER
(OR: If Tomorrow is Yesterday, What Will Last Tuesday Be?)
Harlan Ellison writes another time-travel story. Kirk goes back in time
again. (Can't he ever go forward?) He falls in love again, but breaking
up is hard to do, so he lets her get hit by a truck. Then he blames it on
the Nazis.
OPERATION - ANNIHILATE
McCoy performs surgery on Spock. Spock seems OK, but realizes
something may be wrong after he walks off the end of the shuttlecraft
bay.
____________
AMOK TIME
Spock beats Kirk up again in another fit of logic. Spock's fiancee tries
to have him killed to avoid an illogical divorce.
WHO THE HELL IS ADONAIS?
Kirk finds he can kill gods the same way he does computers: by talking
to them until they commit suicide.
THE CHANGELING
Kirk finds that one of his illegitimate children is a robot, so Spock
adopts him.
MIRROR, MIRROR
Kirk goes to a perpendicular universe, but that Spock beats him up, too.
He sure looks good in a beard, though.
THE APPLE
Kirk has trouble finding any remaining virgins, so he goes back in time
to find Eve.
THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE
Kirk finally finds someone with a bigger appetite. They feed it Kirk's
lunch all at once and it explodes, making the galaxy safe again, at
least till Kirk's suppertime.
CATSPAW
Another alien woman falls in love with Kirk, but she turns out to be a
real witch, so Kirk dumps her in the usual manner.
I, MUD
Kirk learns what his real middle name is.
METAMORPHOSIS
Kirk discovers that universal translators can not only translate
languages they never heard before, but also determine an alien's sex
just by the sound of its voice, allowing him to avoid future
embarassment.
JOURNEY TO BABEL
Spock's parents attend an intergalactic PTA meeting.
FRIDAY'S CHILD
The Enterprise visits another society so primitive that they've still
gotten only last season's episodes. Kirk then has to teach them how
dishonorable and sneaky Klingons are.
THE DEADLY YEARS
Kirk loses his toupee.
OBSESSION
Kirk does his best to stop a killer cloud, but the crew has doubts about
his sanity because they think he might be confusing it with just any
killer cloud. Spock gives the OK to destroy it when he realizes it is an
intelligent being.
WOLF IN THE FOLD
Scotty commits rape and murder, and blames it on Jack the Ripper.
Kirk gets him off Scott free by claiming that the crimes were actually
committed by a being of sheer energy who was only after pantyhose.
THE TROUBLE WITH STAR TREK
is that it's not a comedy, and when it tries to be it's about as funny as
a bar-room brawl or a bad pun. Besides, it's a well-known fact that
quadrotriticale occurs naturally only in 137-grain bread.
THE HAMSTERS ON TRICYCLES
Kirk gets paid to do what he does best (and the other thing, too), and
after he beats up his girl friend (twice), becomes ruler of another
planet that fortunately hadn't heard of the Prime Directive.
A PIECE OF THE ACTION
Kirk cheats at cards.
THE IMMUNITY SYNDROME
When a planet-size alien threatens to reproduce, the Enterprise
becomes a giant contraceptive.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR
Kirk forgets how the Vietnam War ended.
RETURN TO TOMORROW
Actually, it wasn't really tomorrow, since we now know that tomorrow
was actually yesterday. Kirk beats up some gods.
PATTERNS OF FORCE
Kirk shows that he's the only one who can get away with violating the
Prime Directive.
BY ANY OTHER NAME
Kirk seduces an octopus to prove who has more hands.
THE OMEGA GLORY
The crew of the Enterprise discovers that, just as human beings are an
unavoidable result of evolution, so is the United States of America.
THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER
Kirk proves once and for all that the smarter a machine is, the easier it
is for him to bore it to death.
BREAD AND CIRCUSES
Kirk does his best to follow the Prime Directive (for a change) in order
to save an old friend who gets killed anyway by the Romans (not to be
confused with the Romulans).
ASSIGNMENT: EARTH
The Enterprise goes back in time again, to the 20th century again.
(This saves a lot of money on sets, props, and costumes.) An alien
invades Earth, disguised as an Earthling. (This saves more money on
costumes and makeup, and makes casting easier.) This was a pilot for a
new show that the network liked so much they not only didn't pick it up
but they canceled Star Trek besides.
___________
SPOCK'S BRAIN
Most memorable line: "Brain and brain, what is brain?" They brought
back Star Trek for this?
THE ENTERPRISE INCIDENT
Kirk looks lousy in pointed ears. Starfleet Command orders Kirk and
Spock to steal a cloaking device from the Romulans, and then never
bothers to use it again.
THE PARADISE SYNDROME
Captain Kir-ok parties a little too hardy and steers the ship right into
an asteroid. When he wakes up the next morning, he can't even
remember how to pronounce his own name. Spock & Doc rescue him,
but not until after he gets stoned again. Oh, yeah, he also falls in love
again and gets another woman pregnant, so he gets her an abortion the
hard way (see "Sitting on the Edge of Forever").
AND THE CHILDREN SHALL BLEED
Melvin Belli leads Kirk's nephew's band to take over the Enterprise.
IS THERE IN TRUTH NO BEAUTY?
Pulaski goes blind.
SON OF A GUN
Kirk proves he can beat up anybody, even ghosts. This earns the
respect of a superior civilization.
DAY OF THE DOVE
Another being of pure energy that feeds on pure emotion. Where do
they get their fiber?
FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY
(Actually, since the world was hollow, he must have really touched the
ground.) McCoy finally finds a planet where the people are as
narrow-minded as he is, and decides to stay.
THE THOLIAN WEB
Intergalactic spiders trap the Enterprise. Uhura finds Kirk in her
bedroom.
PLAYDOUGH STEPLADDER
Kirk finally kisses Uhura. Nimoy finds an excuse to sing.
WINK OF AN EYE
Kirk finally meets a woman who is too fast for him.
THE EMPATH
Kirk makes love to Troi's great grandmother. Unfortunately, she's a bit
kinky, so everyone in sight gets tortured. It's OK, though, because this
allows Kirk to teach a valuable lesson to more-intelligent beings.
DEANNA OF TROI
Kirk learns about better living through chemistry when he makes love
to alien royalty. He gets out of this one by claiming he's already in love
with his ship, which leads to history's most unique paternity suit.
WHO DESTROYS GODS
Kirk does, of course, but he can't find any in this episode, so he looks
for trouble in an insane asylum, where they mistake him for one of the
inmates.
LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD
The Enterprise encounters two strange beings who are at war with
each other because they are each other's mirror image, which leads to
complications when they try to shave.
THE MARK OF GIDEON
Kirk discovers a planet populated completely by his illegitimate
children. He solves their overpopulation problem by teaching them the
true meaning of VD.
THAT WHICH SURVIVES
Killer holograms survive, unfortunately, but at least they're pretty.
THE LIGHTS OF ZETAR
The Enterprise gets attacked by another bunch of flashing lights, which
wreaks havoc with traffic but saves oodles on the special effects
budget.
REQUIEM FOR METHUSALEH
Kirk punches out a 4,000-year-old man, falls in love with his daughter,
and talks another robot to death.
THE WAY TO EDEN
Kirk learns that flower children are really OK, just misguided.
THE CLOUD MINERS
Kirk solves prejudice with gas masks.
THE SAVAGE CURTAIN
Kirk kicks Genghis Khan's ass. (Kirk: "KHAAAAAAN!!!") This teaches a
more highly advanced civilization the meaning of good, bad, and ugly.
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS
Well, most of them anyway. Quite a few got used up in previous
time-travel episodes. (Or were those tomorrows?) Spock falls in love
with a dead woman.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER
Kirk learns his final lesson when he switches bodies with a woman who
gets him pregnant.
__________________________________________________________
STAR TREK: THE MACINTOSH GENERATION
________
ENCOUNTER AT GUNPOINT
Picard saves a big jellyfish.
GET NAKED NOW
After both get drunk, Jean gets Lucky with Beverly. Data, interested in
learning human behavior, follows his example.
COAT OF HONOR
Yar beats up a king who gets out of line with her. This fails to
discourage him, so she beats up his wife, who then divorces him.
HAVEN
In this episode it is revealed that Christine Chapel is really Deanna
Troi's mother (which would make Gene Roddenberry Deanna's father).
Troi is forced into a prearranged marriage, but tries to avoid it by
challenging Kirk to a duel. Meanwhile, her fiance dumps her for a leper.
WHERE CAPTAIN KIRK HAS GONE BEFORE
Picard gives Wesley the keys to the ship, and he gets in an accident.
THE LOST OUTPOST
The first encounter with the Ferengi, a race who drink way too much
coffee. On an alien planet the crew of Enterprise discovers some
Japanese who still think WWII isn't over.
LONELY AMONG US
While on a mission to the movie planet Paramount, the Enterprise is
invaded by a super-intelligent cloud that kills the Captain. Fortunately,
the crew discovers they can bring dead people back to life with the
transporter, which they unfortunately forget by the next episode.
JUST US
Wesley visits a planet, and the people there want to kill him, too.
THE BATTLE
The Ferengi give Picard a headache. Picard tries to destroy the
Enterprise with the Picard Maneuver, but Data stops him with the Data
Maneuver. Riker saves the Captain with the Heimlich Maneuver.
HIDE AND Q
Q returns and makes Riker a member of the Q Continuum. Riker then
offers to satify the crew's wildest dreams, but they decide to keep him
instead.
TOO SHORT A SEASON
Another writer's strike forces the Enterprise to suffer a boring script.
THE BIG GOODBYE
Picard outsmarts a hologram.
DATA'S SORE
Data beats up Worf, takes over the Enterprise, and blames it all on his
brother.
ANGEL WON
Riker is marooned on a planet run by women. They kick him off.
11001001
Riker finds this phone number on the bathroom wall, then discovers his
blind date is a hologram. Meanwhile, some shy robots take over the
Enterprise.
HOME SOIL
The Enterprise just barely manages to defeat some guys a billion times
smaller than they are, but what do you expect from a bunch of ugly
bags of mostly water?
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Aliens kidnap Wesley for ransom. After a couple of hours, they agree to
pay Picard to take him off their hands.
COMING OF AGE
Wesley flunks his Starfleet Academy entrance exam because he's only
smart enough to save the Enterprise and not the entire galaxy. As part
of the exam, the examiners trick Wesley into thinking he let somebody
die. (Wait'll he sees what Academy hazing is like.)
HARD OF GLORY
Klingons try to destroy the Enterprise out of nostalgia, but Worf kills
them to teach them what honor is really all about. (Good thing Worf
never saw any episodes from the old series.)
THE ARSENAL OF FREEDOM
The crew of the Enterprise discover a planet where all TV programming
consists entirely of commercials, and replace it with old Star Trek
reruns.
SKIN OF EVIL
The Enterprise is attacked by a being of pure acne.
SYMBIOSIS
The Entrerprise discovers a solar system with a planet where
everybody believes that a drug they're addicted to is actually a cure for
something. Right next to it is a planet where everybody believes
tobacco is totally harmless and tastes good, and another planet where
everybody believes everything the NRA tells them.
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARROTS
Captain Picard invites his old girl-friend aboard, but before she can
make her move, Beverly crushes her.
CONSPIRACY
Starfleet Command is invaded by those yucky things from Star Trek II,
but now they go in through the mouth instead of the ear. (I hate to
think where they'll enter next time.)
THE NEUTRAL ZONE
Picard learns that fresh is better than frozen. The Borg invade the
Federation, but forget all about it and go back home.
____________
THE CHILD
(No, not Wesley.) Troi finally gets pregnant, but can't remember who
the father is because she slept through the whole thing. (Troi: "I
feel...?") Picard calls a meeting to decide what to do (Picard: "Who did
it?" Riker: "Don't look at me!" Worf: "Kill it!"), but before he can
make up his mind, the kid grows up, leaves home, graduates from
college, and gets his own starship.
WHERE SILENCE HAS LEASE
The Entrerprise is attacked by the alien super-intelligence Hava Nagila
who, like most alien super-intelligences, is too stupid to know how to
ask questions, and so does experiments on them instead. He learns
that the concept of curved space drives Klingons crazy.
ELEMENTARY, DEAR DATA
The most intelligent member of the crew turns out to be a hologram.
To save his own job, Picard turns him off.
THE OUTRAGEOUS ARCHON
Data tries to learn to become a comic, but discovers that he was
already funny to start with.
THE SCHIZOID MAN
Data beats up Picard and blames it on his grandfather.
LOUS AS A WHISPER
A deaf mediator finds he can no longer function when someone
removes the banana from his ear.
UNNATURAL SELECTION
The Enterprise discovers some children that everybody is allergic to.
Pulaski gets cured by the transporter but, as usual, everybody forgets
this medical breakthrough by the next episode.
ANTI-MATTER OF HONOR
Picard tries the Tribble Maneuver with Riker, but the Klingons give him
right back.
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Data teaches the rest of the crew the Metric System.
THE DOLPHIN
Wesley finds he's no Kirk when he dates a marine mammal. Her mother
gets mad and beats up Worf.
CONTAGION
A computer virus invades the Enterprise. It takes Geordi the whole
episode to remember the backup tapes and to reboot.
THE ROYALE
Data can cheat at gambling even better than Kirk, since he doesn't have
to make up his own games.
TIME SQUARED
Picard commits suicide.
THE ICARUS FACTOR
Worf finally has his Bar Mitzvah.
PEN PALS
Data wants to save a planet from utter annihilation, but nobody can
agree whether it's OK because they all learned the Prime Directive from
watching episodes of the old show instead of reading their Starfleet
Manuals. (Too bad Saavik wasn't around.) Data takes things into his
own hands, and the Captain changes his mind and decides not to stop
him after he hears what a cute little voice Data's alien girl friend has.
Q YOU
Q introduces the Enterprise to the Borg, a race whose main interest is
shopping. Q saves the Enterprise when the Borg threaten to turn it into
a mall.
SAMARITAN SNARE
The Entrerprise is attacked by an inferior intelligence.
UP THE WRONG LADDER
Riker is about to have a clone, so he decides to have an abortion.
Pulaski agrees.
MANHUNT
Lwaxana dumps Gene for Jean. Then she discovers that holograms
are not only more intelligent than humans, but better lovers.
THE EMISSARY
A female Klingon shows Worf the "Kick Me" sign he's been wearing for
the past two seasons, so he asks her to marry him and become a
houseKlingon, but she chooses her career instead.
PEAK PERFORMANCE
Riker fianlly gets his own ship, but he blows it up, so the Enterprise has
to take him back.
SHADES OF GRAY
We finally learn the meaning of "partly new episode".
___________
THE LIEUTENANTS OF COMMANDER
A radioactive woman falls in love with Data, but he has no feelings for
her. (If she only knew he was fully functional...)
REVOLUTION
Wesley accidentally invents a doomsday device, the nanoo-nanoo.
Picard surrenders, but they agree to leave the Enterprise when he
gives them a planet to conquer. Unfortunately, it turns out to be the
same one Kirk already gave to Khan.
THE SURVIVORS
Picard harasses a lonely old man, but leaves him alone after he finds
out he committed genocide.
HOW MUCH WATCH WOULD A WATCHER WATCH
Some Vulcanoids mistake the Captain for "The Donald", in response to
which he surrenders to them.
THE BONDING
Worf finally finds someone too small to beat him up, and they become
instant friends. The boy's (no, not Wesley's) mother disapproves of the
arrangement.
BOOBY TRAP
Troi's new dress is so tight she can't move. While experimenting
on the holodeck with Princess Leia, Geordi discovers a way to free her.
THE ENEMA
Geordi loses his glasses and white contact lenses after a Romulan
shows him where he can put them.
THE PRICE
Troi falls in love with a visitor who is half betazoid, half creepazoid.
THE VENGEANCE FACTOR
A hundred-year-old woman falls in love with Riker, so he blasts her to
smithereens.
THE DEFECTIVE
Data kisses up to Picard by learning some Shakespeare. A Romulan
traitor tries to help the Federation by lying and being generally
obnoxious, but his fellow planetpersons turn out to be better at it then
he is, being well trained at dishonor. (Too bad they didn't watch the old
series.)
THE HUNTER
A pacifist killer makes fools out of the Enterprise crew.
THE HIGH GROUND
Another contemporary story told from a contemporary point of view
with a contemporary conclusion, but with futuristic props.
DATA Q
Q is kicked out of the Q Continuum, who exile him to the Enterprise and
take away all his powers except whining.
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
In a trial, Troi can't tell who's lying. What happened to those good-old
lie detectors they had in the original series?
YESTERDAY'S ENTERPRISE
In an alternate timeline, there is a TV show called "Star Trek" where the
Enterprise blasts enemy ships to bits every week, the Captain never
surrenders, there is no Counselor, and the Klingons are bad guys. This is
one episode of that program, obtained through a black hole. There was
a minor bit of editing, however, including changing the Captain's name
from "Kirk" to "Picard."
THE LOOSE SPRING
Data's daughter makes a pass at Riker, who flees in terror. Another
robot confuses itself to death, but Kirk was nowhere in sight.
SONS OF THE FATHER
Worf's brother treats him like an ass ('cause that's the Klingon way),
then asks for his help. Worf saves his home planet, for which they
disown him. ("Being a Klingon means never having to say you're sorry.")
ALLEGIANCE
Alien's replace Picard with an imitation whose only flaw is that he isn't
so stuck-up.
CAPTAIN'S HOLIDAY
The further adventures of that famous archeologist, Indiana Jean.
THIN MAN
These are the voyages of the warbird Tomahawk. Its five-year
mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new
civilizations, and to kill them.
HOLLOW PURSUITS
The aw-A Team learns that one of its members has a problem.
(Worf: "I pity the poor fool that messes with the holodeck!")
THE MOST BOYS
A strange alien who collects baseball players decides Data would make
a great center fielder.
SORRY
Spock's father tuns out to be a bigger nag than Troi's mother. Beverly
finally smacks Wesley.
MANAGE A TROI
Lwaxana meets her match in a Ferengi (or is that "Ferengus"?) who's as
desperate as she is. She escapes by threatening to bring the rest of
Gene's relatives on as guest stars every year.
TRANSFIGURATIONS
Jesus visits the Enterprise.
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
The alien tanker Mega Borg returns and threatens to oil slick the entire
galaxy. Riker answers that age-old riddle, "How do you keep a Trekkie
in suspense for three months?"
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